Health: This is a journey that I’m well aware will be for the rest of my life. Patience, grace, consistency and an evolving understanding of my body will be the cornerstones of my overall health. It’s not just about a healthy weight, which stayed stagnant this month after a 23lb loss the last, but rather the things I think we all take for granted in youth – flexibility, strength, lung capacity, heart function and feeling great. In those capacities I’ve made great gains. While an uncomfortable choice, both financially and vulnerability showcasing how out of shape I had become in the past 3 years, I jumped on the chance to re-partner with my former trainer. She had made me an athlete after cancer. She helped me achieve a better body than I’d ever had before and I know that I can have again. So with the plateau of weight I realize that I’m adding muscle now, not just losing fat. I realize that while this is an expense I struggle to justify, it’s a tiny fraction of what I would spend later in life for continuing to neglect these needs and it’s an exponential add to my life today.
Men: Well, as my friend Jimmy put it, “Nance, you waste all your best lines on men who’ll never love you.” It’s true. I’ve had the benefit of a few men loving me, but they weren’t exactly my own wisest personal choices. Thus, I never really wrote gleaming reviews about those fellas. Truth be told, I have yet to actually be with a guy for whom I long pined. The men I pick seem to be wildly different from the men who tend to pick me. Thus, all of my best forlorn work is about them. I’m not sure if I should carry on with crushes simply for the benefit of my writing or if I should take it as an early detection system that if I like a guy, he’ll never be interested in me. Nonetheless, I took a chance and told a guy that I’d been stuck on for well over a year how I felt about him and it was met with an “I’m flattered.” My personal sense of umbrage with that word aside, it was at the very least an accomplishment in doing more than I ever had before by sharing that with someone for whom I’d long admired in that way.
People: This month was a lot. Overwhelming is an understatement. So much love and loss flowed through the short 4 weeks of February that on more than one occasion I felt hung over without ever once having touched a drink. The month began with a whirlwind flashback to my years in entertainment. I went to an awards show and saw so many old friends and colleagues. It was like stepping into a time machine where everyone was the same except our faces had all managed to both plump and sag a bit. Because of that night the next few weeks were spent re-connecting and catching up with people – it was a pretty warm embrace to be so welcomed back into old circles. After several years of beatings in the tech industry, I’d forgotten just how close knit and supportive film folks are. You generally hear the opposite, but that was hardly my experience.
Shortly after that I spent the Super Bowl with another friend from (and even prior to) my entertainment days – one who’s seen incredible highs in his career and been beaten up for his lows. The Super Bowl is one of gambling’s biggest days and it’s one of his biggest pitfalls, so a lot of us spent the day with him just to be of support. When he allowed us into his struggle and chose to be vulnerable about depression, it did more for those of us in the room than I think it ever could have for him personally. That night was already so important to me, but about this time last week, we were all finding out about Brody… If you didn’t know Brody Stevens, I’m at least grateful that so much of his work lives on thanks to podcasts, YouTube and the memory of so many people. Brody was the Comedy Store. It’s not an exaggeration when you hear people say that he was your favorite comic’s favorite comic, even if you didn’t yet know him. From 2005 to 2009 I was probably at The Comedy Store at least once per week, sometimes 2 or 3 times per week. That was when the Store was largely empty. Only one room would be going and by midnight there were only maybe a dozen of us in it, and it was mostly fellow comics there to see Don and Brody. I can’t tell you how incredibly fortunate I’ve always felt for those years – the walk ons were earth shaking, but ending every night with Brody, Don, Earl, and so many comics who stuck around to watch and heckle them was something people will write about for years to come. The best of the Store today came from those years of polish and studying those guys who stuck it out through “the dark years” of the Store.
The same day we all learned about one of comedies kindest and funniest stars, I was learning about my uncle who had slipped into unconsciousness. He was largely a hermit even though he lived with my other uncle. He’d spent decades battling Crohn’s disease and because of it spent most of his time in or near the bathroom. The toll that took on his psyche and relationships was beyond comprehension. In these last years he never left the house, barely ate and communicated almost entirely through Facebook. Try as I might to be there for him, I don’t know that he’ll ever know how much any of us really loved him simply for having been a presence in our lives. The double whammy of Brody – someone who I think really did know how much people loved him – and my uncle who never would have believed us no matter the effort, was overwhelming. I don’t think I’ll process for a while yet. I did get to say goodbye to my uncle, but I think so many will forever struggle with the sudden and largely unexpected loss of Brody.
That same weekend I went ahead with the February Dinner Together, which I’d planned back in December. It was helpful to be around so many friends and to re-emphasize just what those dinners were about – loving people. Sharing space, food and laughter with people is what reminds the soul that there are others willing to step into both the light and the dark with us. With me. I with you. Let people in. They want to be there. And if you struggle with *wanting* people in there with you like I do, all I can say is I promise, it’s worth it.
Art: Both in my own writing and the intake of others’ art, this was a much better organized month than February. I spent more time working on outlines for my own books, while actually feeding more content into my blog. I also shared a book a day throughout the month, both in an effort to highlight Black authors who’d had an impact on me, and also to expand my own mental capacity, recalling from each book what had opened my mind or soul. This helped me to write quite a bit more, tap into memories that had long been buried and inspired me to revisit many of those works. March will be Herculean – both in my own work and ingesting the work of others. Preparing for SXSW and how to best use my time is always exciting, but immediately after I head to NYC again and have an absolute mind-boggling amount of theater to see. I very much look forward to who I’ll be after this inspiring two weeks.
Finances: Intentionality and revised focus on where and how I spend my money. I’ve always been hyper aware of and intentional with my finances, however, this month I got really uncomfortable and put money in places where I anticipate growth and the largest pay offs – either in my health or in projects that will take time to come to fruition, I’m trusting God with what’s in my hand to stretch and bring light to what I can’t yet see. I’m testing my own faith in the belief that He’s put those dreams on my heart and no matter what; I’ll learn from these choices and ultimately be better for them.
That’s it. I’m going into March with a lot of excitement and hope for how I’ll emerge. I may never really feel like I deserve any of this. My life is so much more than I could have ever imagined when I was a kid living in shelters or on people’s couches. I may never feel like I can rest easy or stop wrestling with a sense of impending doom, but there’s a great deal of comfort in knowing just how much of my life is what it is because of love, fortitude, persistence and hope.
