It’s with huge gratitude to Brené Brown that the word “vulnerability” is being tossed around rather liberally these days. Personally, I welcome the conversation and am inspired by the reception her work has had. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing her live twice at SXSW and have shared a number of her speeches and books with friends and colleagues for years.
That said, there’s a danger in these easily digestible Netflix shows. I thought the same when Marie Kondo’s cleaning method was turned into a series – there are tremendous learning opportunities behind what these power houses are offering up. The psychology of what they both present is far more than a momentary “a ha” – the act of releasing years worth of accumulated possessions is more than filling a trash bag and learning to be vulnerable is so much more than what many pass off as stepping outside our “comfort zone.”
Recently, I decided to watch all of the Marvel movies leading up to Avengers Endgame and all I kept thinking was that every one of these movies is about vulnerability. A large focus of Brené Brown’s work began with the time she spent studying a team of Navy SEALs. In her effort to understand strength, grit and resiliency, she learned about their emphasis on vulnerability – how they know that they can’t count on one another in those life or death moments unless they’re confident and 100% certain that they have each others backs. They openly shared that that level of trust only comes from being truly vulnerable with one another… Sharing the trauma, the flashbacks, the hardships with their families, the upbringings that brought them to this job, the joys of a mission complete or the love they’ve found off the field. Here we all are watching one of the largest film franchises ever made without realizing that it’s vulnerability on the screen. No spoilers, but we could all take a lot more away from those super heroes than how to go to war with alien invaders… They went to war with their own demons and sometimes each other, but they had a pretty remarkable bench of people willing to step in for them when they got tired or took a hit…
Vulnerability is allowing people IN to our comfort zone – not us leaving it. Our comfort zones were built for us to retreat to when the world gets to be too much or when we feel threatened, insecure, overwhelmed or *vulnerable*… Allowing someone into our comfort zone, full of what we use to soothe ourselves or things we hide from the world… THAT is vulnerability.
Sharing a moment of weakness, admitting when we’re scared, letting people see our hurts, be they physical or emotional, is what opens the door. The literal definition of vulnerability is “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.” To be exposed – to show another person the hardest, ugliest, darkest and most sensitive parts of ourselves is vulnerability. Saying “I’m not okay” is vulnerability. Trusting that someone will love us anyway is vulnerability.
This conversation is too important to us as a people to let pass or to watch be dismissed with platitudes like “get messy” or “try something new” – both of those things are great and they help us to know ourselves better, but they’re not vulnerability. Vulnerability is the act of allowing someone else to see your struggle, pain, weakness or fear.
The past several weeks have been some of the most vulnerable of my adult life. I’ve learned more in 3 weeks than my brain can handle at times. Those lessons range from my own “a ha” moments of personal evolution to really hurtful moments where my being vulnerable with friends was met with silence or even anger… Vulnerability is hard because it asks a great deal of us, both on the side of the vulnerable and the one witnessing it.
The depth and richness of my relationships has astounded me for years. Growing up all I wanted was to hide how bad I had it, but as an adult I’ve put in the work to learn how to open up and to be the kind of person who has genuine relationships. I have 5 friends in my life that I’ve known for between 10 and 20 years who would be where I needed them, no questions asked, should I call asking for help. These are people who’ve seen the best and the worst of me and stayed by me – moreover, I’ve seen the best and worst of them and I get to stay by them. The tears, the sins, the triumphs, the mistakes, all of it has knitted us closer together. Beyond those 5, I have a mind numbing bevvy of others I’ve gotten the high honor of continuing to know and learn in this way, and in most cases I could also call them or would be willing to take their call in those moments of need. Trust takes time, choosing safe people is imperative, and if you struggle with that area of discernment there are so many great books, podcasts and TedTalks that can help to build wisdom in that area, but trust and vulnerability aren’t the same…
Vulnerability isn’t trying something new and being willing to let others see you fail or be awkward. That’s actually confidence and assurance. Vulnerability is figuring out why failure and awkwardness is something you’re afraid of – and letting someone you trust know *that*.
We can’t hide from or avoid vulnerability. Vulnerable is something we are – all of us – and it seeps out into every relationship, through our body language, the words we choose or choose not to use, it’s in our work and even our dreams – our minds are constantly working to reconcile feelings and experiences, our interactions with others, both traumatic and uplifting. Strength is found in being intentionally vulnerable.
When we choose to be vulnerable, when we recognize that the path forward is less painful and the relationships we’re in are enriched by transparency, we harness some of the power back from the shame and fear that tried to stop our being vulnerable in the first place. Sharing our story, the good and the bad, is what brings us closer to one another, gives others hope and comfort – more often than not, it gives us hope and comfort, too.
Friends, watch Brené again. Watch her again and again. Listen closely and take notes. Think of yourself sharing your biggest fear, hardest lesson or greatest dream with another person. If you can’t think of that person, I’m here, I volunteer, but I’m also going to tell you that having *that* person is critically important. We all need someone with whom we can be our authentic selves – as we are before God. Bare and true. People can be our comfort zones.
We are built for so much more than we ever seem to believe. Vulnerability is the cornerstone of realizing that.
