One of my oldest and dearest friends is a recovering everything. Gambler. Alcoholic. Drug and Sex addict.
The Super Bowl is always hard for him – the game leads to betting. The thrill of the bet wears off, so he’d move on to a drink, then to cocaine. Then to women. It cost him his marriage and nearly his children.
He’s doing better. His ex wife is the closest to a saint as I’ve ever met and his children are just so thankful to have a present and attentive father again, but sobriety is always slippery. It takes one game. One drink. One smoldering look. He knows that and it terrifies him.
This year a number of us agreed to be with him, not to be a distraction or some unsustainable means by which to pretend he won’t always have these demons, but to give him our strength. For so many years he’s given his to us and many, many others.
We watched movies, ate dumplings, laughed about how different our lives are from what we could have ever imagined 20 years ago… and when he wept, this giant, lumbering man who commands attention wherever he goes… When he wept the lot of us around him felt the weight of love.
It takes so much strength to invite people into our darkest hour, into grief. It takes courage to allow others to peel away shame. It’s an act of resolute bravery to take off the tattered and blood stained cape to say “I need help carrying this.” It seems so much easier to to put up the shield, to draw a sword and say “I’m fine! I’m good! How are you?” as if swatting away any hint of needing help. I’ve been there… but I’ve also been in moments like these, surrounded by love and people willing to help me carry the burden.
I tell you now, the latter is better. It will always be harder, but it will always be better. Not just for me, but in sharing the weight, my friends have been allowed to love me more. Love me well. Love in a way that feels like a part of the heart has expanded. When I’ve been the lucky one, the one or one of the ones allowed to help carry the burden, it’s as if I can see the stitching of our relationships become that much more detailed, far more beautiful and intricate than ever thought possible.
We prayed. We all cried. We were so grateful to know and be known by one another. Vulnerability, ego stripped bare, surrounded by safety… it’s a luxury of the soul I wish were so much more common… I hope it can be.
If ever you’re struggling, if your burden becomes too great, shed the cape. Reach out. I say this to remind myself as much as I do to encourage any other. The blessing and respite of deep, rich, humbling friendship goes the distance. It enriches the fabric of our lives.
